Grateful for provisions....

It never ceases to amaze me how much God provides for me and at the perfect time.  What does that say about me and my faith?  It is growing.  All the time.  Or, if you prefer, it is lacking.  All the time.  Either way, I am frequently reminded that He is active in my life in more ways than I acknowledge.

Today’s post is generated from my deep appreciation of a devotional article I read in one of my books.  I read these books every day, according to the appointed date, and I never read ahead or behind.  Sort of a rule for myself.  So when the readings identify what I am experiencing at that exact moment and offer the perfect advice or perspective that I need, I can’t help but believe God is somehow behind this perfection. I don’t understand it, but I am SO grateful for it.

The reading today was explaining the benefit of being isolated from everyone and everything you are used to and the blessings that can come from this uncomfortable state.  Referring to the widow and her two sons in 2 Kings 4:4, it says, “They had to be isolated from everyone, separated from human reasoning, and removed from the natural tendencies to prejudge their circumstance…….depending on God alone.”  (more later on ‘prejudging our circumstances’)  This is exactly what I needed to hear today as I am facing severe and intense trials in my life right now and it’s left me feeling so confused and seeking a reason or understanding for the situation I am in.  It tells me that God is going to great lengths in my life to get my proper attention.  As much as I think I am putting Him first in my life, my reaction to unexpected changes that I see as unfavorable corrects my thinking.  If I were really putting Him first, my first reaction would not be fear or worry but an understanding that God has allowed or orchestrated this for my benefit.  To draw me closer to Him and rely on him entirely.  Not on whatever I have lost.  I know that in my life, tragedy and loss has ‘called me on the carpet’ and reminded me that I have let myself trust in something other than God.  Not that we shouldn’t experience sorrow with our losses but they don’t need to destroy us.

But this also requires action on our part.  As stated in my reading, “We are to enter a secret chamber of isolation in prayer and faith that is very fruitful.  At certain times and places, God will build a mysterious wall around us.  He will take away all the supports we customarily lean upon, and will remove our ordinary ways of doing things.  God will close us off to something divine, completely new and unexpected, and that cannot be understood by examining our previous circumstances.  We will be in a place where we do not know what is happening, where God is cutting the cloth of our lives by a new pattern, and thus where He causes us to look to Him.”   Wow.  This describes perfectly how He has worked in my life the past few years and that makes it so much more comforting to be reminded that He will do the same in my current situation.  How could I forget?  I think it’s just the way we humans are wired; we need constant reminding and training.

“Most Christians lead a treadmill life — a life in which they can predict almost everything that will come their way.”  This described my life up until the past few years.  I didn’t have all the answers to my problems but I knew how to get them, was able to find them and learn from them and so I was not afraid of unexpected challenges or changes in life. I didn’t know what was coming and I didn’t welcome ‘bad’ things in my life, but I had so many resources (health benefits, work/life benefits through my job, friends, family, wise people around me…) I had confidence that I could survive them and even be stronger in the process.  But the past few years have shattered that confidence which tells me I was more confident in MYSELF than in God.  So I am being lovingly corrected.

The article further says, “But the souls that God leads into unpredictable and special situations are isolated by Him.  All they know is that God is holding them and that He is dealing in their lives.  Then their expectations come from Him alone.”  This totally changes my perspective.  It takes me from feeling absolutely inadequate, foolish, lost and confused to instead believing God really does have a purpose in me going through this pain and fear and HE is that purpose.  I have allowed myself to get distracted from the main priority in life: put God first -in everything.  In my life, this means daily Bible reading, prayer, and trusting Him.

So now, I am reminded that when human reasoning isn’t helping me or answering any of my questions and also when it IS helping me, either way, I must remain detached from earthly things and keep myself attached to God.  “It is through the most difficult trials that God often brings the sweetest discoveries of Himself”

Excerpts taken from “Streams in the Desert” L.B. Cowman

Grateful for firewood....

Tonight I am so grateful to have a firewood delivery. We had to decide between groceries or wood and we chose food. That means we got a roast to cook in the crockpot for Christmas and ingredients for other yummy side dishes and we are so excited! The house has been averaging 45-50 degrees and we had acclimated to that pretty well until yesterday when the wind kicked up and the temperature dropped significantly and so while we didn’t regret spending the money on groceries, we were definitely wishing we had some wood for the fireplace. And then, my boyfriend called and said a relative of one of his workers who is also a friend lives near us and will sell us wood at a discount!   Long story short, he paid for half and it was delivered today and our house went from 41 degrees to almost 60!

But what really made me think was while I was stacking the wood (and I’m obviously no expert) I was thinking how grateful I am that our home would be warm but also for the experience of gathering and stacking the wood. Like I was ‘winter nesting’ or something. Preparing for winter. Having the ability to prepare for winter instead of knowing it was coming and hopingwe would be able to stay warm. There was just something so fulfilling about stacking up all that great smelling wood and I was just so grateful!!

Grateful for peaceful moments....

This morning I woke up to moisture! Something I crave but have not experienced in so long I can’t remember the last time. There are clouds, fog and a drop here and there of, well, I can’t call it rain but it was moisture. It was glorious!! But as I was reading my morning devotionals on the porch something suddenly grabbed my attention so I pulled myself out of my inner focus to see what it was. And it was absolutely silent. Like the fog had brought peace along with it. My daughter was reading next to me and she picked up on the same thing at the same time as I did. Neither of us having said a word. It was magical. A totally different sound of silence and peace than what happens in the middle of the night. A different pitch. I had never been aware before that there really is a ‘sound of silence’. Normally, there are many sounds in the morning. Donkeys, roosters, dogs, cars, people, and tons of birds. But not today.

Neither of us wanted to speak or even breathe too loud so as not to disturb the moment. Even a leaf falling from the tree seemed loud in this silence. It was completely refreshing, healing, and balancing.   So I respected the silence and let it serve me. What a wonderful way to start today. I am so grateful!

Grateful for hindsight....

While my purpose for writing about Gratitude is to increase my awareness of daily blessings, I must take this opportunity to express my gratitude for the clarity of hindsight.  I am always so comforted by seeing the beauty of lessons learned, even if the process of learning was not pleasant.

The photo I chose for this post is from last year’s Christmas when I was employed, had an oven, had money for food for us and to make fudge as gifts, had firewood for warmth, my daughter was with me and my pets were doing well.  This year I am unemployed, struggling with but also grateful for food stamps, have lost two of my pets, am being evicted from my home with no guidance for direction yet and no place to go, no money to get there, and have no firewood.

Last year I was grateful for wood but was discontent with the house staying below 50 degrees even when I kept the fire going all day.  I was wishing I could buy gifts for my family,  even though I remember being grateful I could purchase the ingredients for festive fudge and managed to make cards to share with everyone.  I was stressed out at the tiny living quarters we have right now and the lack of space to function efficiently.

This year, I look back and realize how much of a luxury an oven can be, having gone almost a year without one now.  But God has blessed us tremendously and we were able to purchase (Thanksgiving week) a countertop convection oven that we have used daily.  I struggle with not letting my fears of the electric bill going up higher than we can afford (since technically it already is) get the better of me.  But isn’t that a great example of what Satan wants me to think?  Instead of being so focused on the joy of being able to bake in the winter and festive times of the year, he wants me to worry that the electricity (which in reality is super expensive in this all-electric poorly insulated home) will climb above my ability to pay for it.  No matter what, he does not want me happy or content.  So we argue.  Most of the time I win by thanking God for His blessings instead of listening to Satan.  But in my weaker moments, my heart skips a beat when I wonder how much higher the next bill will be.

But back to my hindsight, last year I had no idea how much more challenging this December would be and so I saw the things I wished would be better.  This year, I’m faced with some very real challenges, but even so, I am still so blessed.  I counseled the homeless and know from their details of their experiences how important my walls are -no matter how thin or how much insulation is lacking.  They still block a huge amount of wind and cold.  Not to mention provide safety.  I don’t have to worry that my belongings will disappear if I fall asleep, or wonder what crimes will be taking place all around me as I sleep.  I am so protected in my room, in my home, on my gated property.  And my bed is so much softer than concrete.  So I am reminded again that it’s all about perspective.  What I am focused on.  What I desire.  What I am exposed to.  What I pay attention to.  What I value.  Who I am.  Who I want to be.  How I can help others.  It really makes me sound so petty to complain about what I do not have, but mostly it makes me feel so blessed and grateful that God never ceases to provide for me.  And somehow, hindsight helps to remind me of this.

Grateful for creativity....

Tonight I am grateful for my art/craft supplies and the time and ability to make happy things to give to other people. These cards were a ton of work but I just kept thinking how this year, since I lost my job, if I didn’t have my supplies I would not have anything to give. So I went to work coordinating my card patterns with the paper I already had and came up with this one. I made 13 in all and even when I was super tired from working hours at a time on them, they made me happy to look at them in the end.

So tonight I am grateful that God has made me a creative person and has given me the supplies to support it.

Grateful for healing herbs....

Today I am so grateful for being able to replenish some of the herbs I take. I had run out a few months ago and have been so depleted. I received some in the mail yesterday and the rest today and I am so amazed at the difference they make in how I feel.   I am blessed not to have anything serious, but my body and mind and emotions are very fatigued by a traumatic event I suffered a few months ago that was the beginning of the end of a two-year cycle of severe emotional abuse.  I totally believe our thoughts control our physical state and dealing with this stress has been so difficult to keep my thinking healthy and positive. But I discovered (after much research) some very helpful herbs that make it much more manageable.

So today I am super grateful for herbal remedies and that we had the money to purchase them.

Gratitude during trials...

Today I am grateful for my Bible and for free access to exercises that help to balance me. It has been such an upsetting day as I have had to call several creditors to tell them I lost my job and have run out of money to pay them. While I totally believe that God has a plan for me and I just have to trust Him to show me the way to get through this, I keep reminding myself what it says in James 1:2-7

“My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.”

So these trials are showing me where I am weak in my faith because if I were stronger I would not be as upset and would be viewing my situation as God is. Obviously, I am viewing my situation through my human eyes. And I am also impatient. This one is easier for me to address because I was ready to work over a month ago –when it was much less painful financially, since friends and other random sources of income covered the main bills I needed to pay. But this is kind of the beauty of my pain today. If I had been hired a month ago, I would not be in the spot I am in today, going through this test of faith, and this would not be an opportunity for me to grow in this area. So the main message I am getting here is that God wants me to grow in faith and patience so I can be more pleasing to Him. How can I argue (in my mind) with what God is doing for me for my benefit? I believe this is an example of looking at my situation through God’s eyes and not my own. And that is the wisdom I seek. But it doesn’t come without a price or trial.

So while these thoughts are flying around in my mind, I was also able to shift my energy physically with my online exercises (currently Yogadownload.com and New York City Ballet Workouts on YouTube) and let all that negative energy flow through me instead of getting stuck inside of me. I followed this with putting Young Living essential oils in my diffuser and re-reading James 1 and I feel like a totally different person –in the best way!

So today I am grateful for having access to God, online exercises that heal me, and natural products like essential oils that help to lift my mood and improve my thinking.

Grateful for space....

I am 54 and my daughter is 35 and we share a small bedroom in a tiny house that a friend is renting and letting us live rent free.  SO much to be grateful for in that sentence, but my human arrogance and bad attitudes are always longing for a room of my own where I can shut the door and just be by myself when I want to.  A place to study and cultivate my inner peace.  Just some space to myself and for myself.  The apartment I used to live in, when I was working a very good job with great benefits and only 2 miles away from where I was living, was in a very busy part of the city.  We weren’t far from the police and fire station and close to the main route to a hospital nearby so we were always hearing sirens, alarms, dogs barking, etc.  My sliding glass door was about 20 feet from the busy street where all this traffic went by.  Somehow I got used to the all the noise and sirens being just a few feet away, but now I cannot imagine it as I reflect back on this time in my life.  And this was in 2014, just three short years ago.

Today, I live in the desert, one of my least favorite places, outside a small town and with very limited resources.  Adding this to the shared room, and a very challenging house set up, it is easy to be discontent.  But at 6:30 this morning, as I was enjoying the peace and quiet sitting outside on the porch and looking at the view, I was reminded that God knows what is best for me and I will sorely miss the peace of living outside of town in such a quiet area.  We live off of a dirt road and there are no city lights so you can see the stars.  There are wild rabbits, hares, coyotes, snakes and we wake up to donkeys braying and roosters crowing and peacocks making their unique sounds and so many types of birds!!  And I have a porch.  I knew I have always wanted one, but now I’ve been able to enjoy one for two years.  After making coffee and feeding the pets, I sit on this porch every morning -even when it’s 19 degrees and I’m all bundled up – and I read my Bible and devotionals, drinking my coffee, and strengthening myself for the day and reminding myself to focus on what is really important in life.  That definition is not always easy to see.

So today, I thank God for the space that I have been provided and the peace that comes with it.

Gratitude during affliction....

I found out yesterday that I did not get a job I had interviewed for that I really wanted.  I know and trust that God has a plan for me for something better but in my human wisdom (or foolishness) it seemed like the perfect job, location, salary and the timing couldn’t have been more perfect.  All the signs that God was opening this door for me and provide a way for me to get back on track financially.  This month is the beginning of the serious phone calls when I tell the government and the state that I cannot cover my monthly automatic deductions.  I was so hoping and praying for a solution that would come in time to avoid these phone calls.

This calls attention again, to my daily exercise of being grateful every day for something.  Because no matter how bad it seems to get, I KNOW there are countless daily blessings that are escaping my notice.  And this is because I have allowed myself to focus on the wrong things.  So today I reference 1 Thessalonians 5:18, “give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”    I think I will make an art project out of this verse today and will share it later on.

But back to the exercise, today I am grateful for my daughter and my pets who live with me, a home with walls to protect me from the 19 degrees weather outside (I know some homeless people who have to endure these temperatures with no shelter at all), enough wood left for one more fire which transforms the house, and we have plenty of  blankets and food for us and the pets for the next few days.  And since I am not working I have plenty of time for art and catching up on my Bible study and Udemy classes.

Grateful for friends....

Today I am grateful for friends.  Actually, I have been feeling this particularly since Sunday when a friend, my daughter and I went to see Murder on the Orient Express.  I have been doing a countdown for months to see this movie, being an Agatha Christie fan in general.  I was disappointed on Thanksgiving that I did not get to go see this movie that day as that had been what my daughter and I had been planning to do with our free tickets.  Long story short, I ended up going to a movie my boyfriend wanted to see instead.  Being currently and unexpectedly unemployed, I did not have hope of being able to pay to see this movie at a later date.  But, it’s just a movie afterall, and not something I get to enjoy very often, so any movie was a treat.

But then a couple of things happened.  One friend sent me some money to help purchase gas for the car, toilet paper, cat litter and other necessities and another friend called me up to see if she could take all three of us to see this movie.  She is having a hard time and wanted a change of pace and knew of my current financial challenges and so we agreed.  We decided to meet there but something came up and she was delayed but still wanted to come.  So I was grateful to use the money my other friend had sent to help us get tickets and seats and still get to see the movie and we had such a good time!!  Being pretty much housebound right now it was so invigorating to get to ‘get out’ and do something fun.  I am so blessed to have friends who care for me and who have helped me so much during this challenging and stressful time.

Happy December!

This was such a great picture and quote posted on Instagram by danawfulton that I just had to repost it here. It reminds me to be grateful that I have access to God’s Word and also to communicate with Him through prayer and reading the Bible.  Today I am hoping to hear if I got the job I interviewed for a couple of days ago.  We are so close to reaching the bottom of the barrel with food, toilet paper etc… and paying the electric bill and I have no money coming in to help pay for these things.  But I have enough for today and tomorrow so I am reminded, “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.” (Matt. 6:34)  So today I will do some cleaning up and try to figure out if we are having trouble with the septic tank.  We have a terrible smell and I cannot find a reason why.  That is enough for today for me to deal with.  So I will ask God to help me handle today the way He wants me to and to see everything the way He sees it.  That will help me keep it in perspective and not be too overwhelmed.  I am grateful that I can strive to think this way because it gives me hope and reminds me that I will survive this.

Grateful for peace....

I am so grateful for the peaceful times I’ve been able to enjoy here with my daughter and my pets.  We get to spend each morning and evening outside walking around the fenced in one-acre property.  It is so cute, both cats and one dog follow us all around the perimeter and then we play catch with the dog while the cats watch.  The animal awareness and interaction is so cute and unexpected and keeps us in the present moment.  This happiness and peace is so healing and I am so blessed to have this time.